Next on Osbournes Reloaded! Ozzy Osbourne, 60, dies of shame

Oh my, how far the strung out, paunchy and not all that mighty in the first place have fallen. I sat down last night to watch the new variety show/harbinger of the end times “Osbournes Reloaded” on FOX (naturally). I was prepared to write a hard hitting review, full of journalistic integrity and terms like “paucity” and “extemporaneous” and other vocabulary words I haven’t used since I took the SAT. With notebook and pen in hand…well, notebook in one hand and pen in the other obviously, I subjected myself to the last excruciating 45 seconds of American Idol to be sure that I wasn’t going to miss a second of this masterpiece.

The “Osbournes Reloaded” starts with Osbourne matriarch Sharon giving some sort of overview of the show. There is going to be fun, and shenanigans, and a wild and extreme experience given that she says “fuck” 5 times in her first 3 sentences. The FOX censors helpfully bleep out Mrs. Osbourne when she says “fuck” and put some sort of cartoon image over her mouth so that impressionable viewers cannot read her lips and thus surmise she is saying “fuck” despite the fact that this family’s entire shtick is that they say “fuck” with such frequency and enthusiasm that they appear to be attempting to break a world record. Then she introduces her cash cow – I mean husband – Ozzy, who appears in black, sunglass clad and looking semi lucid. He rambles something and then Sharon starts introducing her children, Jack and Kelly to bring on the festivities.

 After an extended and bizarre credit sequence – incidentally all 4 of the Osbourne brethren are listed as Executive Producers –  the fun begins. Sharon curses a bit more, then tells the audience that they will be included in the hilarity and she sends Kelly out to locate two strangers in the audience willing to make out for $100. Kelly and her big round face (M-O-O-N that spells “Kelly”) descend on the crowd and it was at that point that Mrs. TylerDFC decided she had had enough and begged me to change the channel. I didn’t hear her the first time because my hands were squeezed tightly against my ears tying to prevent my brains from leaking out onto my lap. When she fell to the carpet and started convulsing I knew there was a problem and changed the channel back to “Jail” (it’s like “Cops” but with more drunks being hogtied).

I have no idea what happened next but I’m guessing Sharon fucked Ozzy with a strap on while Jack & Kelly blew audience members for nickels. You may have it rough folks, but at least you don’t have to perform like a trained capuchin monkey in order to appease your demonic wife.

I’m gonna take a Shot in the Dark here but the Crazy Train has run off the Road to Nowhere and left Mr. Tinkertrain lying in a heap with nothing to do but Bark at the Moon singing Goodbye to Romance. Sorry, former Prince of Darkness but I have No More Tears and not even Iron Man can save you from the joke you have become.

If you doubt the veracity of this, please check out the following “professional” review and you will find that the reality of what happened was much, much worse.  

http://watching-tv.ew.com/2009/03/the-osbournes-r.html?cnn=yes

Click below to listen and buy songs from the Great Oz before he turned into complete fucking joke.  You know, when he was a respectable gentleman who simply pissed on the Alamo and ate bats.