Obama’s $800 Billion Dollar Boondoggle

I have a recurring nightmare that I must share with the world.  I’m at an exclusive underground sex-fest that I snuck into (with a secret code) much like the last few minutes of Eyes Wide Shut.  Just like “OT- VII level” Scientologist Tom Cruise, I’m roaming the halls with my sweet Lone Ranger mask scoping endless amounts of hot naked chicks that are wearing nothing but Mardi Gras helmets.  

I enter the orgy room in my OB-1 robe and told that I can have any woman I want– but first, I must remove their disguise.  I start ripping off masks like wrapping paper on Christmas morning and run into a slight problem.  Every one of these ladies has a perfectly sculpted body but staring back at me is either the face of Speaker Nancy Pelosi or Hillary Clinton.  As my junk retreats back into it’s trunk, a projected image of Obama and Biden’s grinning faces appear on every wall of the mansion and Obama shouts the following message over and over and over again like a skipped record:

“Nobody messes with Joe!  Nobody messes with Joe!  Nobody Messes with Joe!”

OK.  I must admit that everything I just said is a lie but used to illustrate a point.  As disturbing as those images are, it is nothing compared to the clusterfuck of epic proportions I witnessed just a few minutes ago as Obama addressed Congress.  Obama showed up 10 minutes late and then revealed the details (read: no details) of his Billion Dollar Boondoggle.  Through the use of flowery words and lots of arm movements, he promised to fix our economy by next Thursday and that everyone in the audience gets a free Pontiac G6.  He focused on the following plans:  

1.  Windmills

2.  Super shiny coal

3.  Handing your wallet to random scumbags

Are You F—ing Kidding Me?  

First I’ll talk about the windmills that will help save our energy crisis.  Obama mentioned his love for windmills no less than seven times in the first 30 minutes of his speech.  His version of an American utopia are towns that look exactly like postcards of Holland with windmills as far as the eye can see and villagers dancing in the street covered in pixie dust.  Sort of like Whoville but with more wooden shoes. Secondly, does the average American REALLY understand the concept of clean coal technology?  Congress pretty much puts up it’s lighters, screams and creams it’s jeans like they’re hearing the first few riffs of Freebird every time this natural resource is mentioned.  No politician ever goes into it and we are left to assume that clean coal is simply better than dirty coal because it’s been powerwashed and given a good scrub.  

 

And finally, Obama proposes to reach into your wallet and hand over a fat wad to every business and fuckstick that has mismanaged their finances.  He states that “drastic times call for drastic measures.”  I agree.  If you think Citibank is currently run by circus clowns, wait until our government makes it a nationalized bank.  With Chairman of the Financial Service Committee Barney Frank behind the wheel, Citibank will go over a cliff faster than Toonces (the cat that could drive a car) on a Sunday drive.  Now, that’s what I call drastic!  

Even with all these shenanigans, there were some happy faces in the audience that weren’t Obama groupies.  Even Republicans like Mccain!    

But perhaps that’s because he forgot to take his meds and thrilled that he’ll be dead soon.  

The following is a PowerPoint presentation of our stimulus plan.  Enjoy.