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RUFKMSharks in Venice: Steve Baldwin’s best work!
February 23, 2009 by TylerDFC
Filed under Movies / TV, TylerDFC's Tomfoolery
By TylerDFC
I love me a bad shark movie. Something about the sheer ineptitude in all aspects of the production that the filmmakers bring to the genre makes them a true treat for
bad film aficionados. Don’t get me wrong, most Direct-To-Video (henceforth called DTV) flicks make the worst episode of Xena-Warrior Princess look like LOST by comparison. But I think the unstoppable badness of shark movies comes from the title animals themselves. After all, sharks cannot be trained so you can’t have your actors in the same shot as real sharks. So you are forced to use copious amounts of stock footage, truly terrible models and atrocious CGI.
All of which the new Stephen Baldwin opus Sharks in Venice has in spades. There are a couple of criteria I have for my bad shark movies to be truly worthy:
1. Do the sharks roar?
2. Do the characters speak underwater despite having re-breathers in their mouths?
I’m happy to report that the answer to both of these questions is a resounding YES!
Steve Baldwin plays David, a professor at the highly esteemed Oceanographic Institute. David was recently orphaned when his daddy is killed by Great White sharks while exploring Venice for treasure. So faster then you can say “plot exposition” David and his homely fiancée embark on an adventure in Venice to find his missing (and never mentioned again) father and thwart the evil plans of an evil mafia type. Oh yeah, and fight sharks.
Let’s face it; no one watches these movies for the plot. And the plot is equal parts stupid and ridiculous. The sharks, as is often the case, take a back seat to a tepid movie-of-the-week style plot about lost treasure hidden in the canals of Venice and a kidnapping plot. I’m not sure what it is about shark movies but kidnapping is almost always a subplot. How great would it be if the SHARKS were doing the kidnappings? I mean, these movies are very, very light on logic. It‘s not much of a leap to say that the sharks could mastermind a kidnapping. After all they are psychic.
Oh, you don’t believe me? Ok smart person; you explain to me how this scenario occurs WITHOUT the use of psychic shark powers.
An inebriated dipshit is trying to date rape a young woman on a small balcony over looking the canal. Cut to a shark POV shot as it swims through several enclosed tunnels, only to emerge, leap into the air like a rocket, and snatch the douchetard from his balcony.
Can’t do it can you? And this is not the only time psychic shark insanity such as this occurs in Sharks in Venice. I won’t spoil the surprise because it is so fantastically awesome I had to rewind the flick 3 times and then put it in slow motion to really take in the brilliant (read: not at all brilliant) CGI on display. Alas, these scenes are few and far between and when they are done we are back to fat ass Stevie B being chased unconvincingly from one location to the exact same location with the only difference being the rearrangement of the set dressing.
Still, Sharks in Venice is a worthy addition to the Bad Shark Movie Hall of Fame. Terrible acting, rote story, repetitive stock footage, PlayStation 1 era CGI, flubbed lines that stayed in, and through it all Stephen Baldwin, reminding us all why he is only the 4th worst Baldwin behind Daniel but before Shecky.
Rating:4 Severed Baldwin Legs out of 5
Remind me to miss this one. Great review. P.S. The Sister told me on Friday night, she’s pee’d off a little at you for not posting on the ferret. She’s very concerned about the ferret situation.
There’s nothing like hiring a washed up, out of shape, pasty, coke binging, born again Christian to play an action hero and -since the film involves water – to presumably have his shirt off in several scenes. I’m pretty sure they offered Stevie B $25,000 and paid for a month of meals at Sizzler.
Here are my pitches:
Sharks in Space: “In space, nobody can hear you swim.”
Sharks: Dream Warriors: “Freddy had 10 claws. This one has 719 teeth.” (Dokken supplys the musical score)
I rented this one and thought it was pretty good but Dark Knight was better.
TylerDFC! Where have you been. You’ve been missed. Great post.
Has Stephen Baldwin ever made a good movie? I’m pretty sure the answer to that question is no.
Here’s my question? At what point did he look at the script and think to himself, “this is awesome!”?
follow @Catherinette on twitter
How dare you say anything bad about Baldwin, the Master Thespian? Did you not see Bio-Dome? I rest my case.
Oh, I forgot to mention that it would be awesome if in “Sharks in Space” you could also hear the sharks roar and also have the ability go into warp speed. Time traveling Sharks would be cool.
Where can I get that top hat that Steve is wearing? I want to make sure I never get laid again.
What is going on? I checked our site this afternnon and 9 comments already? I had no idea that writing about a bad shark movie would create such a response. TylerDFC, you are a genius. We have been focusing on the wrong animals (monkeys, ferrets) for too long. TylerDFC – going forward, you are only allowed to write about sharks.
I don’t think Steven Baldwin has ever made a good movie, I mean really before he did the apprentice wasn’t he just another one of the Baldwin brothers, but your not really sure which one? Remind me to NEVER see this movie, I’m sure it ranks as one of the worst of all time!
Emily
Nice to see the new feature is a hit. Look for more craptastic works of celluloidal atrocity in the near future, kiddies.
This one sounds like it’s not even worthy of a Razzie.
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