European experiment has benefits, possible side effect of swallowing Earth

However, I must warn you that these ominous signs of the impending Armageddon are mere child’s play compared to what our wacky friends in Europe are up to.

Instead of merely being satisfied with bringing such fashion forward idiocy to the West such as men’s Capri pants, industrial music, fine German automobiles or David Hasselhoff music they have pushed the envelope to the limit and are threatening the very existence of humankind.

They are building a black hole.

You see in an effort to further understand something that really doesn’t need to be understood, the brilliant collective minds in Europe built a 17-mile tunnel on the border of France and Switzerland.

Naturally I assumed at first that this tunnel was simply a means for the French to make a quick retreat into Switzerland if invaded once again by Germany, but was I ever wrong. Instead of a benign and somewhat understandable escape route, the “Large Caldron Collider” is a means for smashing protons into one another in a vain attempt to discover the hypothetical “Higgs Boson” or “God Particle”.

Stated almost matter of factly by John Harris, U.S. coordinator for ALICE, “The collider will recreate the conditions of less than a millionth of a second after the Big Bang, when there was a hot “soup” of tiny particles called quarks and gluons, to look at how the universe evolved.”

Once again, the Large Hadron Collider could produce black holes that could suck up anything around them – INCLUDING THE ENTIRE F—ING EARTH.

Are You F—ing Kidding Me?

I’m not in OSHA or any other safety organization, but I don’t require my MENSA membership to tell me that this is a very bad idea. In fact in the realm of bad ideas it rates right up there with having your own pet monkey or drinking anti-freeze.

How could such a thing happen?

Imagine if you will, famous physicists Franz and Wolfgang discussing this very bad idea for the very first time:

Franz: “I must find Higgs Boson.”

Wolfgang: “Any danger in that?”

Franz: “Well, there is a small chance that we could create a black hole that will swallow the entire earth.”

Wolfgang: “But we’ll be famous, right?”

Franz: “For a millionth of a second.”

Wolfgang: “Here’s $300 million dollars and a shovel, let’s get started.”

Have these brilliant scientists not watched Disney’s critically unaclaimed 1979 release of “The Black Hole” or have they not watched a single episode of Star Trek?

Black Holes are bad. Franz, find a cure for male pattern baldness. THAT would be a discovery worth putting your considerable skills to good use.