Things We Weren’t Taught In School: Vol 1

The longer I live the more I see there are significant oversights in our education system. Certain things that come up on a daily basis but no one ever properly taught us. This recurring column will address some of those oversights.

On Greetings and Salutations

Is there anything quite as maddening as not knowing when or how to say “Hello?” Some retail outlets try to address this concern by instructing their clerks to address everyone as soon as they come up to the counter for check out. Some even offer a discount or cash bonus if the clerk does not greet the customer. This greeting apparently can range from a friendly smile and “Hello! Did you find everything you were looking for today?” to the less cheery grimace and “UNGH.” I’m not sure what “UNGH.” even is. Should it be considered a greeting at all? “Ungh.” says “I’m aware of you. I hate my life. When I complete this transaction I’m going to go in the break room and microwave my head.”

But what happens when there is no greeting? Sometimes you get to the counter, all excited that it is now your turn to buy your merchandise and leave the premises, and the clerk just starts to ring up your purchase sans greeting. Hold up. What now? What exactly is the window for a post-greeting-phase “Hello?” I would say anything over 5 seconds once the transaction has begun is a non-starter. Sometimes the clerk will pull a “How you doing, today?” while they are scanning your purchases which lets you off the hook. You can respond with a “Good, thanks.” and be on your way. Sometimes the clerk finishes scanning your purchases, turns to you and asks for money for your potential acquisitions.

This is a clear violation of the clerk/customer unwritten contract. We expect some sort of greeting if we are going to be asked for money. It’s uncomfortable all around and makes the purchase phase of the shopping transaction unnecessarily tense.
How much easier would it be if we were trained in advance how to behave in this situation? Observe the following TylerDFC patented one act play:

Customer: Hello, clerk.
Clerk: Hello, customer. I hope the day finds you well. Are you prepared to buy your shit?
Customer: I am.
Clerk: Then we shall proceed.

See? Simple, clean, less tense interaction. By putting responsibility for the opening on the customer to begin the transaction everything follows along nicely from that point. How long could this take to teach in school? 10 minutes, 15 for the slow ones?

Even worse, greeting people in the morning. I had a friend that loathed mornings to such a degree he forbids you from speaking to him until at least 9am. On the rare occasions when I needed a ride to work, he would generously offer to pick me up under the condition that we didn’t speak during the 30 minute drive. This is someone I considered one of my best friends that I spoke with on a daily basis. Yet in the morning I was persona non grata. He refused to listen to any talk radio in the morning because he didn’t even want to hear the radio speaking to him. Commercials enraged him. Such was his hate for all things awake around him. I think he believed that if he refused to speak then somehow the spell of sleep would not be broken. Being awake but non-conversant allowed him to exist in a near sleep like state, despite being forced to do all of the things we normally do when awake. It was utterly bizarre his hatred for being awake at least until those first cups of coffee.