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RUFKMThe Day I lived a Cliche
September 28, 2008 by captainboondoggle
Filed under Loose Cannon's Shenanigans, RUFKM Classic
“Kill two birds with one stone”
“Think outside the box”
“The straw that broke the camel’s back”
Ah, cliches. You can hardly make it through a day without hearing a few.
My fiance uses them all the time. When she meets people she should ask “Do you speak Cliche?” It’s pretty much her second language. At times, she speaks entire sentences with 4 or more strung together. We then realize it and we both have a good laugh.
Good times.
But today I didn’t hear any which is highly unusual. I guess that’s because I was supposed to actually experience one instead.
I took our dog Molly – the guitar playing/visor wearing/Pointer/Lab mix out for a long walk this afternoon. It
was supposed to be a regular walk, nothing big, but then I just started GETTING INTO IT. The sweat was coming out, the iPod was pumping, and the crazy soon followed. By GETTING INTO IT I mean that since hadn’t gone to gym for my daily dose of jackassery , I decided that a walk was just not enough.
I would make my own mini-triathlon.
With a dog.
This event would consist of me doing push ups and sit ups at different points of my journey. I should mention that my route is on a major road in Florida with tons of traffic and that passes by multiple neighborhoods and marinas.
I decided that I wouldn’t do the push ups/sit ups on the sidewalk for several reasons.
1. It may look like I was humping the pavement
2. Broken beer bottles, crack pipes, etc
3. Just looks ridiculous
I would do the strength training on certain grass areas on the walk that at least had some amount of privacy. Success! After the second round of push ups/sit ups I was on the way back home, Molly looked happy and there was just one last set.
This area was a lot more public but I was almost done and the adrenaline was flowing so self awareness was completely gone. I got face down in the grass with my dog’s leash firmly gripped in my left hand and began to do 40 push ups. Around number 15 I noticed what looked like a large amount of snakeskin that I didn’t see when I crouched down. I recently moved to Florida and I keep a pretty good look out for devil worms since I am deathly afraid of all shapes and sizes.
And then I felt it.
The biting.
The burning.
On my feet.
I screamed, leaped into the air and looked down and was pleasantly surprised not to see a python.
But there was something else.
Ants. Hundreds of them. They had formed a chorus line, kicking and biting up my ankles and all over my sandal exposed feet. I was holding my dog’s leash in one hand and killing families of the little bastards with the other. I didn’t know what kind of ants I was fighting but I did know that they were:
A. Red
B. Had teeth made of fire
C. Pure Evil
I thought I had won but then saw that there were EVEN MORE crawling on my shirt, arms, and I hadn’t noticed the others that had made it up the back of my leg and were making their way INTO MY SHORTS.
That’s right. I literally had ANTS IN MY PANTS. I was living a cliche.
So there I was, screaming “Are you F–ing kidding me????” as I yelled, twisted, and squirmed while hundreds of cars were passing me by. I was punching myself in the groin, hitting myself across the chest with my visor, and cursing like I had Tourette’s. I looked like a blend of Ace Ventura, Mr. Bean, and a demon possessed homeless person. My attempt to be healthy had been rewarded with a slap in the face from Mother Nature.
I can’t make this stuff up. In fact, I say Captain Boondoggle’s post about an epic bee battle cursed me. In my life, this is “par for the course.”
I need a shower. My balls burn.
Christ. I would say that this would only happen to you. But only you would decide to have a triathlon that involved rolling around in the grass.
My sister had a bee in her underwear once,,,,LOL,,,,,it died
#1
Ah, Fire Ants – my sister had the wonderful experience of sticking her hand in a hill when we lived in Georgia – she had a glove full of the little bastards. I feel for ya -
I have a similar problem. I have bats in my belfry.
I be lovin’ me some Mr. Bean