RUFKM Worldwide Inc. Refuses Award, Creates It’s Own
(The following is a Boondoggle/Cannon/TylerDFC production. In other words, it took three monkeys to write this post. Also, click on the “listen now” button for maximum comedic effect. Enjoy!)
Ahh …. memories.
It seems like just yesterday the writers of
RUFKM were merely writing stories about assorted tomfoolery for our own delight and, under some coercion, our slightly embarrassed family members.
.Well, my fine monkey loving friends, things certainly have changed since that first fateful story about
Mallard Murder. In a short time,
RUFKM Worldwide has transformed into the Internet powerhouse you are familiar with today with a loyal
fanbase numbering in the millions. We have become an icon, books are being written about our greatness and a movie trilogy is currently in
production.
The only demand that we have is that Captain Boondoggle NOT be played by that diminutive dimwit Matt Damon.
Back to business.
Due to our tireless, ground-breaking and thought-provoking work, we are now recipients of an award even less prestigious than a Daytime Emmy.
Not just any award, but a glorified chain letter rather unimaginatively entitled
“I Link You Alot“ award. This award was bestowed upon our stupendous and unrivaled site by the much heralded and deeply
depraved
Acorn King. Unfortunately, once you place this trophy on your website, you are contractually obligated to list your top 5 favorite blogs. This proves to be quite difficult as 99.9% of blogs stink worse than
Sasquatch’s nutsack after a 10-mile run.
Dear Acorn King: Thank you for the honor ….. but as we are not a blog ….. we must respectfully decline this award.
Are You F—ing Kidding Me?
RUFKM IS TOO GLORIOUS TO BE REFERRED TO AS A BLOG. HOW….. DARE …. YOU!
We are a professional humor WEBSITE with a focused mission: To provide our readers with daily(ish) doses of real life shenanigans. Our posts have been edited, reviewed, and the writers have teleconferences about our content to provide you, our dear readers, with the maximum amount of possible laughter. We take our silliness seriously.
With few exceptions, blogs are meandering, unfocused, narcissistic, mind-numbing diaries of diarrhea. To further illustrate the depravity, In August alone Wordpress announced that they had added another 274,000 new blogs to the Internet. Yes, you read that correctly. Over a quarter million new blogs -IN ONE MONTH. They also announced that 273,999 will be as fascinating as reading the list of ingredients on a box of Count Chocula.
Bloggers, the RUFKM Army will let you in on a little secret: YOU SUCK!
Nobody cares about:
1. Your routine colonoscopy.
2. Your tortured teen poetry questioning why Jeff the quarterback doesn’t LIKE like you (Hint: you’re too fat).
3. Your petty demands that Metallica immediately re-master their newly released yet defective CD. Wait, scratch that one.
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You get the point.
Unless of course, if those above events ended with a kidnapping, alien abduction, attack by a wild animal, or a genuine Are you F—ing Kidding Me™ moment. Sorry, but it’s true.
Please spare us the monotony and simply bore your friends with the mundane, insufferable details of your life, preferably by actually speaking to them. Better yet, bore a therapist. Just because you can type, it doesn’t mean you should. In addition, posting 27 YouTube videos in a row coupled with a snarky comment does not qualify as content. There’s a site we already go to for that: YouTube.
With that said, RUFKM is announcing it’s exclusive seal of approval for sites worthy of wasting your time. While these sites will never achieve the colossal comedic talent level of RUFKM, this honor will be bestowed upon sites we find mildly amusing and have paid proper penance to RUFKM. Only these 5 sites are allowed to cut and paste the above graphic — which is also suitable for framing.
The inaugural five recipients of this prestigious award were determined via secret ballot at the RUFKM worldwide headquarters.
And now (drum roll) … winners of the
2008 RUFKM “DOES NOT SUCK” AWARD!
1.
Bridget Jones Has Nothing On Me — First of all, she’s smoking hot and that has to count for something nowadays
(See Sarah Palin). More importantly she answers all of our obnoxious technical questions about blogs and has a crush on the one and only El
Capitan Boondoogle. The best part about her site is that it is actually really funny. You read that right, it is really funny and even a little dirty some days. Plus it is well-written and she has ginormous boobs (so we hear).
2.
The D Spot — Are you a fan of
SNL’s Weekend Update or the Daily Show? Well, then this site is for you. The legendary Midwest comedian Dan
Deibert supplies updates on world events taped, presumably, in his spare bedroom. He also references Spinal Tap in his website description which is always a sign of good taste. Enjoy.
3.
Can O’ Whup-Ass — This is the “little brother” site of
RUFKM.NET, as in if we just so happened to have a gay little brother. It’s great, filled with fabulous graphic designs and
snarky humor that makes you want to scream “
Oh no, you didn’t girlfriend”. Personally
we like the shirts available for sale and the layout, but we primarily visit for the finely constructed articles.
4.
Prefers Her Fantasy Life — This is our Canadian connection. She keeps us honest and we find ourselves declaring “
Are you f—ing kidding me?” all the time when we read her work. The best part about her site is that we get up to date information about what the sneaky Canadians are doing North of the border without having to actually go there.
5. Acorn King — Besides having impeccable tastes in websites and an uncanny ability to post YouTube videos, the Acorn King also finds time to amuse us with original stories about associated oddities and tomfoolery. The origin of his royal title eludes us to this day and we continue to return to find some explanation to his madness.
Congratulations to all the winners!
However, since we are much too lazy to actually go to sites other than our own, if you have a site you believe worthy of consideration for the honor of the RUFKM “Does Not Suck” Award and official Seal of Approval, please email your (undoubtedly lame) submission to rufkme@gmail.com for proper consideration or relentless mockery.
With Monkey Love and Best Regards,
RUFKM Worldwide, Inc.
Captain Boondoggle – The Looks
Loose Cannon – The Brawn
TylerDFC – The Brains
The Dark Lord – The Skidmarks
and…a bunch of other people who never post anything.
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depraved Acorn King. Unfortunately, once you place this trophy on your website, you are contractually obligated to list your top 5 favorite blogs. This proves to be quite difficult as 99.9% of blogs stink worse than Sasquatch’s nutsack after a 10-mile run.
With that said, RUFKM is announcing it’s exclusive seal of approval for sites worthy of wasting your time. While these sites will never achieve the colossal comedic talent level of RUFKM, this honor will be bestowed upon sites we find mildly amusing and have paid proper penance to RUFKM. Only these 5 sites are allowed to cut and paste the above graphic — which is also suitable for framing. 
I’m so touched (in a good way) to have been on this very prestigious list, and to be the first one to boot (suck it, all you other winners).
BT dubs, for the right incentive, I do suck. HEY-O!
Now, if you’ll excuse me, my ginormous hooters and I are going to go and get ourselves some coffee.
Thanks for the award guys. I’ll put it in a special place, most likely in my crotch-locket, along with my collection of assorted toenail clippings from one Scott Baio, and a guitar pick from Rick Astley. It’s a big locket.