Know Thy Boondoggle

Judging by the number of Google searches for “Captain Boondoggle” bringing the assorted wacko or two to RUFKM there is either a keen interest from our fans to learn more about the Glorious Boondoggle or a solitary stalker wishing to reap vengeance upon me for repeatedly mocking the diminutive dimwit and certifiable ass-clown Matt Damon .

Either way, Chief Editor and Master of Tomfoolery Loose Cannon insists that I respond to this latent lunacy and insatiable curiosity by authoring a post providing additional insights on the man, the legend, the magnificent, the incorrigible, one and only El Capitan Boondoggle.

Here’s everything you need to know:

1. I don’t cry, but I come close to it whenever I hear “Simple Man” by Skynard, “My Hero” by the Foo Fighters and “Blue Jeans & A Rosary” by Kid Rock.

2. I have many acquaintances, but very few friends. Unfortunately Cannon is one of the friends, which may perhaps not be related to the former may be causal to the latter.

3. I’ve been on TV on several occasions, with the most infamous in which Cannon and I were in an episode of “Family Matters” dancing with Urkel on a revolving stage.

4. I read everything including the classics, fiction, the Dictionary, technical manuals, newspapers, and the cereal box but my favorite book to this day remains “The Stand” by Steven King.

5. I cannot to this day drink Jagermeister or Tequila due to past experiences in which I downed a bottle of both on, fortunately for the world, separate occasions. The first experience resulted in a call from the college dean and my possible expulsion, the second incident was wiped from my permanent record with the help of a lawyer and about three thousand bucks.

6. I once hid in a bathroom stall for 2-hours to avoid an ex-girlfriend that I broke up with over the phone.

7. My favorite movie is Cool Hand Luke, but I can’t yet eat 50 eggs nor have I spent a night in the box.

8. Although I’ve flown 100,000 miles this year alone, I’ve never been to Reno and never shot a man and watched him die.

9. I don’t take compliments well and take criticism even worse. Of course, due to some ingrained masochistic tendencies, I check this ridiculous website daily in the desperate hope for both.

10. I’m firmly against intolerance, although I am intolerant to intolerant individuals. Especially those who are lactose intolerant.

Are You F–ing Kidding Me Cannon? Is appearing vulnerable really going to help drive traffic?

I certainly hope not, writing about monkeys is really my angle here.

Boondoggle Out.

Boondoggle is available for guest writing appearences, anywhere except http://www.criticult.com/.