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RUFKMYes, I pulled the f—ing handle!
September 24, 2008 by TylerDFC
Filed under RUFKM Classic, TylerDFC's Tomfoolery
consists of brushing my teeth and trying not to fall asleep in the shower. Then I dress and head downstairs in pitch blackness with the stealth of a ninja at 5am so as not to wake my family. I grab my stuff and head to the garage. I get in my car, turn the ignition and hit the button to open the garage door. I put the car in reverse and get ready to head out onto the desolate street. I hit the button again and the door shudders a bit, then nothing.
Are You F—ing Kidding Me?
I get out of the car and go to the door thinking the sensor may be blocked. Nope. It’s fine. I go to the wall mounted garage door opener and hit it and the door again shudders and the motor runs, but nothing is moving.
Several thoughts are now going through my mind:
1) The garage door is broken.
2) I’m going to have to pay cash monies to fix it.
3) If I don’t get this thing opened I am going to have to burn a personal day for this shit.
Because I’m of mostly sane mind I see the release handle to disengage the door from the overhead track and I pull the handle. Part of it smacks into my hand which annoys me; but I have more pressing problems. I try lifting the door manually. It’s not budging. I notice that the right hand coil of wire above the door seems to have snapped. Because I know as much about garage doors as I do about the mating rituals of anteaters (not a fuck ton) I had no idea what I was looking at, only that bits were dangling.
I reach up to pull the pins out of the mechanism and completely release the door from the motor. I have no idea what I am doing but removing parts seems to be the way to go. At this point I notice that blood is running down my hand from my earlier injury which I hadn’t yet noticed.
Happily, I get my boss’ voicemail and I stammer out something ridiculous sounding like:
“Hi, this is Tyler . Um, I can’t get my garage door open, and my car is trapped inside. I’ve tried opening the door manually by pulling the release lever but that didn’t work so I’m going to call a repair guy to come get it done. So I’m taking a personal day to deal with this. If that’s a problem let me know. Thanks!”
Feeling like a grade A douche for being trapped in my stupid house I call the garage door people and discover they don’t open until 8am. It is now 5:25am. So I do what any normal person in these circumstances would do: I go back to bed.
Upon arrival in my bedroom I inform the Wife the garage door is broken and is not moving. She asks if I pulled the release lever. I briefly contemplate murdering her.
I crawl into bed and eventually go back to sleep with visions of an irritating morning and dollar bills flying out of my savings account dancing in my head. When the alarm goes off at 8 I re-dress and go downstairs to call the garage people.
The conversation goes a bit like this: 
Better Garage Doors: Can I help you?
TylerDFC: Yes, my garage door is not working. I can’t get it to release manually.
BGD: Have you pulled the release lever?
T: {eyes clenched shut} Yes, I pulled the lever. The door is completely separated from the track thingy.
BGD: Is the {technical jargon} on the {technical jargon}?
T: (Long pause while trying to determine what the question is.) Door is broken. Need fix. Come soon.
BGD: Please hold….Hmmm, looks like we can see you at 10:30 or 11:00 at the earliest. Will that be ok?
BGD: No.
T: Then I guess it’s ok.
“Boss is wanting Larry and I to come and fix your door so you can come to work. She is not too happy, that is why you should really just call off sick or call me and I could have come to get you this morning. Larry and I don’t want you to get in trouble with Bigger Boss in the corner, and believe that is what will happen if you don’t come in today.
By the way, did you pull the release lever?”
So my boss wants to send my co-workers out to fix my door? I live a half hour from work, it is already 9:30am, what exactly would the point be? At what point did my co-workers become experts in garage door repair? Had they learned this knowledge at The Sally Struthers School of Garage Door and Motorcycle Repair? I tell them thanks but no thanks and spend the next few minutes angrily explaining the concept of a PERSONAL DAY.
to receive the repairman finally arrived and headed to the garage to have a look. I went with him because I had disassembled half the mechanisms by this point and thought he may need one of the various widgets and sprockets I was holding in my hand. He took one look at the door and said “Your spring is busted.” My response was “What spring?” He looks at me like a child and points to 2 big black coils above the door. “Oh.” He shakes his head at me with disdain and goes to his truck to get supplies to fix my door.
The crack team of editors and reporters at RUFKM.net have told me that you’re quite good at “pulling” things, so are you sure you didn’t pull on the release hard enough? Also, were you wearing a Cosby sweater to work that day? Just curious.
Dear TDL,
Nope. The standard uniform consists of Osh-Kosh-B’Gosh overalls and pink leggings. It’s a very strict dress policy.
Thanks for writing!
And you laughed when I was earning an engineering degree and you were studying poetry in undergrad.
This is poetic justice.
“I had no idea what I was looking at, only that bits were dangling.”
That’s what she said.
For future reference….Call out contagious… I can’t come to work today because my rash is spreading rapidly !
Catherinette:
Christ, I walked right into that one. Good show!
The Girl You Don’t Bring Home:
With my luck someone in my office is an amateur apothecary and would be able to mix up a quick salve.