Matt Damon: Political Analyst of the Gods

I just can’t take it anymore.

I’ve tried not to engage in frivolous conversations about the upcoming presidential election, but I’ve reached my breaking point.

This particularly dull point is Matt Damon.

I have, luckily, been able to avoid all things Damon for quite some time now, but recently he has taken up political punditry and elected to provide some unsuprisingly vapid public commentary on the Republican vice-presidential candidate and artic fox, Sarah Palin.

Channeling a lethal combination of Jason Bourne, Will Hunting, Bill from “Stuck on You” and a retarded chimpanzee he forever burdened the world with the following words of wisdom and profound insight:

“I think there is a really good chance that Sarah Palin could be president. And I think that’s a really scary thing because I don’t know anything about her. I don’t think in eight weeks I’m going to know anything about her. I know that she was a mayor of a really, really small town. And she’s governor of Alaska for less than two years. I just don’t understand… “

Stop the election! Jason Bourne has not completed a security check on a vice-presidential nominee. Fly the McCain-Palin campaign jet out to Hollywood so Damon can have a sit-down interview with her and tell her about how horrible war is from his experiences in filming, “Saving Private Ryan”. He doesn’t understand and is still trying to find Alaska on a map next to Alabama and is not yet sure what a mayor is.

For Christ’s sake he had to read words! Words, damn you! Words that someone else wrote from a script and the catering truck did not have a vegetarian selection and mineral water.

Of course, Damon wasn’t simply content to merely mock Governor Palin as he inexplicably goes on to attack both Palin and Disney:

“It’s like a really bad Disney movie, “The Hockey Mom.’ Oh, I’m just a hockey mom from Alaska, and she’s president,” said Damon. “She’s facing down Vladimir Putin and using the folksy stuff she learned at the hockey rink. It’s absurd. It’s a really terrifying possibility. The fact that we’ve gotten this far and we’re that close to this being a reality is crazy, crazy.”

First of all, Damon, the movie is called “The Mighty Ducks”. That’s right, you heard me man-child: “The Mighty Ducks”. They even made a hockey team out of the movie. What have you done?

Second of all, do you want to talk about terrifying? I’ll tell you what is more terrifying and crazy than President Palin. It’s Matt Damon having a real job. You’re an actor, and not a very good one by the way. Stop commenting on elections, when you get a real job or hold an elected office maybe your comments will have some meaning. Go back to filming “Ocean’s 54″ and everyone will be happy.

Finally, Vladimir Putin, contrary to popular belief, is not a vampire.

I can only imagine what happened Obama household when this news came out:

Michelle: “BAAAA-RAAACCK!!!!”

Barack: “Yes, dear.”

Michelle: “Another one of your fancy Hollywood friends came out to ‘support’ you.”

Barack: “Not Lindsey Lohan?”

Michelle: “No, it was that white, pasty, no talent ass-clown, Matt Damon.”

Barack: “Are you F—ing kidding me?”

Matt if you are reading this, I need you do to the following:

1. Grab a piece of paper and a really sharp pencil.
2. Write “I’m not helping Barack Obama with my inane comments”.
3. Turn the pencil upside down.
4. Poke yourself in the eye.
5. Repeat.

Boondoggle Out.